I’ve got a particularly nasty case of guilt hangover this morning. No, I didn’t go out and make some ridiculous purchase over the weekend. Nor was I caught red-handed in some dubious act. No, what I did is something that’s weighting my conscience like a stinky, eight-hundred pound gorilla. Something that’s been shrieking at me ever since my alarm clock went off.
I did what I wanted. All. Weekend. Long.
Yes, it’s true. For forty-eight hours, (more like fifty-two if you count my sloth-filled Friday night) I fulfilled only the most necessary of tasks to keep the household in motion. Otherwise I sat on my ass and worked on my current manuscript.
Well, naturally, I feel like the lowest scum on Earth. What’s worse? I want to do more of the exact same thing today. I want to check into a hotel room and not come out until the bloody thing is done. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to know what’s going on with the outside world, and I don’t want to worry about anyone’s hunger pains but my own.
Hold up. Here comes a fresh blast of GUILT.
<Insert violent, crashing waves here.>
I’m a mommy and a wife for crying out loud. What kind of mother wants to pry her ass out of her chair only when necessitated by hunger or the desperate need to pee? What kind of wife spends zero time with her husband over a long, obligation-free weekend? (Well, there was that hot bit of interaction Saturday night. So, hubby might be ok.)
Yes, yes…I know you’re shaking your head and saying I’m blowing things way out of proportion and you’re right. But I feel awful.
Maybe it’s this backlash of feelings that’s causing more and more couples to live child free? It’s a fine line we walk, not just as parents and partners, but as overall human beings. When does taking care of ourselves and honoring what our spirit wants tip over into full-blow selfishness? Is it wiser to follow our urges until they’ve run their course? Or to feed our desire only enough to satisfy the immediate craving? Do you have any answers? Have you ever felt a compulsive need to just be without answering to anyone else?